Eli Eli, lama sabacthani

So this year has been the worst year of my life that I can remember. If you're curious as to why you can read here or here. I won't go into all the details again but suffice it to say that I'm very ready for this year to be over. Now I know that my God hasn't forsaken me, and only in my darkest moments have I felt far from Him. Psalm 22 was read out this last Sunday during meeting and it struck home to me:
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.
Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.
In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them.
To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by mankind and despised by the people.
All who see me mock me; they make mouths at me; they wag their heads;
“He trusts in the Lord; let him deliver him; let him rescue him, for he delights in him!”
Yet you are he who took me from the womb; you made me trust you at my mother's breasts.
On you was I cast from my birth, and from my mother's womb you have been my God.
Be not far from me,for trouble is near, and there is none to help.
Many bulls encompass me; strong bulls of Bashan surround me; they open wide their mouths at me, like a ravening and roaring lion.
I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint; my heart is like wax; it is melted within my breast; my strength is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue sticks to my jaws; you lay me in the dust of death.
For dogs encompass me; a company of evildoers encircles me;
they have pierced my hands and feet— I can count all my bones— they stare and gloat over me;
they divide my garments among them, and for my clothing they cast lots.
But you, O Lord, do not be far off!
O you my help, come quickly to my aid!
Deliver my soul from the sword, my precious life from the power of the dog!
Save me from the mouth of the lion!
You have rescued me from the horns of the wild oxen!
I will tell of your name to my brothers; in the midst of the congregation I will praise you:
You who fear the Lord, praise him!
All you offspring of Jacob, glorify him, and stand in awe of him, all you offspring of Israel!
For he has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted,
and he has not hidden his face from him, but has heard, when he cried to him.
From you comes my praise in the great congregation; my vows I will perform before those who fear him.
The afflicted shall eat and be satisfied; those who seek him shall praise the Lord!
May your hearts live forever!
All the ends of the earth shall remember and turn to the Lord,
and all the families of the nations shall worship before you.
For kingship belongs to the Lord, and he rules over the nations.

The Lord is not far off. Especially during this season I'm again reminded that He is Immanuel, God with us! We can trust in Him. We can look to Him for deliverance. One of my favorite Christmas songs this year has been I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day:

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play
And mild and sweet their songs repeat
Of peace on earth good will to men

I thought how as the day had come
The belfries of all Christendom 
Had rolled along unbroken song
Of peace on earth goodwill to men.

And in despair I bowed my head
There is no peace on earth I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men

Then rang the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor does he sleep (peace on earth, peace on earth)
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail 
With peace on earth, good will to men

Then ringing singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men

Christ came to Earth, leaving the glory He had from eternity past with the Father and became a baby, lying in a manger. He loves us so much. So this Christmas season I'm choosing to rejoice.

Gospel Talk

So last Tuesday our meeting here in Snyder had a gospel supper at the local pool and I was asked to give the gospel. I decided the notes from my talk might work well here so here they are:

     What is the gospel?  Gospel means good news. Then what is the good news that we have to share? The good news is that men can be saved from Hell. First, then, we need to prove that men are going to Hell. I don’t have time to prove that the Bible is reliable, so I am going to start from that assumption. The book of Romans was written by Paul to remind the church at Rome, at least in part, what the gospel is about. In chapter one, Paul goes into detail as to how men fell to sin. 
     Romans 1:18 - 32 "For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error. And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips,slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God's righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them." 
     They did not love God, nor honor His glory. They suppressed the truth. They ignored the revelation of nature. So God allowed them their dishonor and their lusts. Sin abounded because men forgot God and His law. Romans 2:12-13 "For all who have sinned without the law will also perish without the law, and all who have sinned under the law will be judged by the law. For it is not the hearers of the law who are righteous before God, but the doers of the law who will be justified." 

     God gave His law to men through the Israelites. It was recorded by Moses and it was the purpose of God’s people to show the world around them what God’s righteousness demands. I’m sure the Ten Commandments are familiar to us, but I will restate them here:

1)      You shall have no other gods before me.

2)      You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them …

3)      You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain

4)      Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy

5)      Honor your father and your mother

6)      You shall not murder

7)      You shall not commit adultery

8)      You shall not steal

9)      You shall not bear false witness

10)   You shall not covet

     Lest we think the commandments easy to keep, Jesus further clarified them in Matthew 5:17-37. The law is given to prove to us that we cannot be righteous in God’s sight. James 2:10 “For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it.” So we are all law-breakers, and the punishment that we deserve is Hell. Romans 6:23 starts “For the wages of sin is death …” Wages are what you earn. What we have earned is death.

     This is where the good news comes in, though. Christ died in my place, in your place. Romans 5:6-8 "For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." We were actively fighting against God, and He sent His Son to die for us. Ephesians 2:4-7 "But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus." 
     Thank God for His great mercy. “From Him (Jesus) we learn how God acts toward people. The hypocritical, the basically insincere, will find Him cold and aloof, as they once found Jesus; but the penitent will find Him merciful; the self-condemned will find Him generous and kind. To the frightened He is friendly, to the poor in spirit He is forgiving, to the ignorant, considerate; to the weak, gentle; to the stranger, hospitable.” –Tozer, Knowledge of the Holy. We use many fancy words to describe this event. We can talk about the propitiation, that Christ’s death appeased the justice of God. Atonement, meaning that there were reparations made, that the debt was paid. 1 John 2:2 “He is the propitiation (atoning sacrifice) for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.” “…through the work of Christ in atonement, justice is not violated but satisfied when God spares a sinner.” –Tozer, Knowledge of the Holy. Reconciliation means that we are now restored to friendship with God. 1 Corinthians 5:18 “All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.” We can be counted righteous through Him. 
     The last part of Romans 6:23 says, “… but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” The gift offered to us is eternal life. So the gift is placed before us. The way has been made. What is left for us to do? “Years of rebellion against God have bred in us a fear that cannot be overcome in a day. The captured rebel does not enter willingly into the presence of the king he has so long fought unsuccessfully to overthrow.” –Tozer, Knowledge of the Holy. We were enemies of God. We were actively fighting against Him when He sent His Son. 1 John 1:8-9 states, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Peter’s sermon to the Jews includes the call to “Repent!” Repent means to change your mind, but more than that to completely alter your thinking. However “Repentance, though necessary, is not meritorious but a condition for receiving the gracious gift of pardon which God gives of His goodness.” –Tozer, Knowledge of the Holy. We can’t earn our salvation. The work was completed by Christ alone. This is why His last word on the cross was “τετέλεσται” meaning “It is finished!” The work has been completed on your behalf. All you need to do is accept the gift given.

Suffering Now, Glory Later

Well Michelle and I decided to visit the Lubbock assembly this morning. The speaker's message was on God's eternal purpose and how we, as humans are sempiternal (meaning we have a beginning but have no end) and that God is truly eternal (having neither beginning nor end). He talked about several sub-points as well, but in the middle he had shared the verse from Romans 8:18 " For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." This verse really struck home with me. This year has been one of the worst in my life. I have suffered more in the last six months. Yet this reminder from Paul, that even this much suffering isn't worthy to be compared to the glory to come, hit me right between the eyes. 

I think the more we suffer, the more this verse rings true. The more we can realize the truth of this verse and look forward to the glory to come. If all of this suffering, all this pain, isn't even worthy to be compared to the glory to be revealed in us, how great will that glory be? 


My God is so good. He is a comforter and strong tower in time of need. He gives grace to help. He brings friends alongside to ease the way. I am so grateful to Him, despite the heart-ache and the sorrow I've been through, for putting me through it. He also brought to mind James 1:2-4, which states "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

God is working in me. I am still learning to count it all joy. I'm still gaining endurance. But I strive for the goal. Christ is and will be my prize. Praise His name.

The Storm

A wise friend of mine who has given me much comfort through the griefs of these last six months gave me a metaphor. He told me, "Brendan, I'm a west Texan and I've heard that grief is compared to waves, but we don't have waves around here. We have storms. The skies will be clear and sunny but then another storm will come." I have lived the truth of these words constantly and it truly is an apt metaphor for how the grief will come again.

I said before and I'll say again that music truly has been a comfort to me, and a way to express what my own words cannot. The song that keeps coming to mind is this:

I love the opening verse. I keep praying, I keep hoping that God will "save the day." But sometimes He chooses not to. To be completely honest, I hate that this was His decision this time. But it doesn't make me hate Him, for I know that He is good. I will praise Him through this storm, no matter how hard or how often the rain comes, because He is God.

The pain and sadness are real. They are strong, but He is stronger. Today was another stormy day. I cried again for the loss of my children. But I know that there will be sunny skies again. He is faithful. Even so Lord, come quickly.

It is well with my soul

I've been meaning to write this for the past three months ... but I'm not sure I could honestly have meant the title then and so I write it now. For those of you who don't know my wife and I have lost our last two babies. One due to it being an ectopic pregnancy and the other due to miscarriage. You can read Michelle's story here.

Horatio Spafford wrote the song "It is well with my soul." It's a familiar hymn to many, but what amazes me is that he wrote it after losing all four of his daughters when their ship struck another while they were crossing the Atlantic with their mother ahead of their father. He had planned to be with them, but had business he needed to conclude first and had sent them on ahead. While making his own crossing to go to his wife he wrote:

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

Chorus:
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come
Let this blest assurance control
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate
And hath shed His own blood for my soul

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin, not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord oh my soul

And Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul



I've often found that music can speak for me when I find myself at a loss for words. My heart has been broken twice this year. The first child we lost this year we named Samuel. We had prayed desperately for a child through Michelle's ovarian cysts and were so glad when that positive test came. Samuel means "God has heard" and we praised Him for this new life growing in Michelle. Then the blood tests kept showing that her HCG numbers weren't rising as they should be and she started having pains and bleeding. We knew he was gone. Hannah dedicated her son Samuel back to the Lord's service and left him at the temple. It turned out we had to give our Samuel to the Lord as well. Our hearts were crushed.

We prayed and felt that the Lord was giving us the go ahead to try for another baby. Several weeks after Michelle's surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy brought another positive pregnancy test and again our hearts rejoiced. Everything seemed to be going right this time. The baby was in the womb and numbers were rising as expected. We went in for the routine 9 week sonogram and the tech said the baby was measuring smaller than should be for how far along Michelle was, but it could be that our dates were just off. She was also unable to find a heartbeat but we tried to remain positive. A week later we had a follow-up sonogram and our fears were fully realized. This baby had stopped growing and still had no heartbeat. We were broken again.

We had scheduled a trip to Montana to go to a friend's wedding and we debated whether or not we were still going to be able to make it. We hemmed and hawed while Michelle's doctor scheduled her D&C for the Tuesday before we were supposed to leave on Wednesday to get to the wedding in Montana on Saturday. Then our van's alternator went out and the mechanic told me that Snyder isn't a big Honda town and there probably wouldn't be any parts. He called me back later Tuesday, after Michelle and I had gotten back from her D&C and said he had found one alternator in town and would have our van fixed that afternoon and we would be good to go on our trip.

So we went on our trip with Michelle under doctor's orders to get up and move around every few hours since she'd just had surgery. Travelling with toddlers means this wasn't going to be an issue as someone would have to go potty or something that often anyways. We made it to Montana and got to see Taryn and Corey get married, We made new friends with the Daley's who willingly opened up their home for us to stay while we were in Montana. We got to drive a bit farther west and visit my grandparents in the Tri-Cities Washington.

While we were at my grandparents house, we decided to name this second baby Rena. Rena is a loose Anglicization of the Greek word ειρήνη which means "peace." God had given Michelle and I peace that passes understanding (Phillipians 4:7). I don't know why God allowed this trial in our lives. I don't know why we lost these babies. But I know Him. This JJ Heller song, especially the chorus and bridge, reflects exactly how I am feeling these days: 

We have been greatly blessed by the love shown us by the body of Christ. We don't know the why's but we know God is good and He is in control. We live by His grace.

5 years

    Five years ago today Beth was born and our lives were forever changed. Michelle and I went from being newly-weds to being parents. We went from having only each other to worry about to now having this tiny helpless little person depending completely on us. We joined the "secret club" of parenthood, that everyone had tried to tell us things about, but we didn't really listen. Even if we had listened I'm not sure we would've believed. There are some things that you just have to experience.
    With Beth the first thing we got to learn about was colic. Sleep wasn't happening for any of us. Tempers ran short sometimes. But, with patience and humility to each other, we endured. We thrived. She grew up and it went away. We slept again. She has the best smile. She makes her daddy proud.
    Then she got a little brother, and we learned how to handle two. I liked this part as I got to snuggle with my girl more. She's a good big sister. She's kind and caring. She loves people in a way I know I ought to. She's sweet-hearted.
   Next she accepted Jesus as her Saviour. She asked to be baptised. She wants to know more about who He is and what He has done. She makes my heart swell, and I pray she continues this way.


She's not perfect by any means, but she's mine. Thanks be to God for giving us this girl to raise up and may we have grace and patience to do so according to His will. I love you Elizabeth Ann.

When Real Men Are Gone

So I know it's been a while since I've written here. What can I say? Life gets busy and I honestly was feeling like I didn't have much to say that I hadn't already written here. But I'm teaching another section of the Quest for Authentic Manhood and with each new group come new questions and observations of the material. So last night we were going through the first session where we began formulating a concise definition of what authentic manhood looks like. But before he got there, he posited that God created men to be leaders. Dr. Lewis then pointed out that when men abandon this leadership chaos ensues. When Isaiah was told to pronounce judgment against Judah, God had him say this; 
"For behold, the Lord God of hosts is going to remove from Jerusalem and Judah
Both supply and support, the whole supply of bread
And the whole supply of water;
The mighty man and the warrior,
The judge and the prophet,
The diviner and the elder,
The captain of fifty and the honorable man,
The counselor and the expert artisan,
And the skillful enchanter.
And I will make mere lads their princes,
And capricious children will rule over them,
And the people will be oppressed,
Each one by another, and each one by his neighbor;
The youth will storm against the elder
And the inferior against the honorable.
When a man lays hold of his brother in his father’s house, saying,
'You have a cloak, you shall be our ruler,
And these ruins will be under your charge,'
He will protest on that day, saying,
'I will not be your healer,
For in my house there is neither bread nor cloak;
You should not appoint me ruler of the people.'
For Jerusalem has stumbled and Judah has fallen,
Because their speech and their actions are against the Lord,
To rebel against His glorious presence.
The expression of their faces bears witness against them,
And they display their sin like Sodom;
They do not even conceal it.
Woe to them!
For they have brought evil on themselves.
Say to the righteous that it will go well with them,
For they will eat the fruit of their actions.
Woe to the wicked! It will go badly with him,
For what he deserves will be done to him.
O My people! Their oppressors are children,
And women rule over them.
O My people! Those who guide you lead you astray
And confuse the direction of your paths." (Isaiah 3:1-12 NASB). God told Judah through Isaiah that their "real men" would be taken away and then would follow that boys and women would rise up and take charge. There would be ruin and a person would be asked to lead simply because he had a cloak. Men should be leaders but we all fall in fashion under one of the two Adams mentioned in Scripture. In Genesis we have Adam standing by while his wife was being attacked and lied to by the serpent. He did nothing. In the New Testament the second Adam, that is Jesus Christ, stood up and acted. He chose to come to Earth as a man and became the captain of our salvation (Hebrews 2:10). 1 Corinthians 15:45 compares the two: "So also it is written, 'The first man, Adam, became a living soul.' The last Adam became a life-giving spirit." It was mentioned that boys take, but men give. The first Adam acted more like a boy than a man. Dr. Lewis encouraged us to see that Christ in the manger was more masculine than Adam in the garden. He acted. So the first part of the definition of authentic masculinity is "A real man is one who rejects passivity." Lord help us to ACT as men.