Often in this world we hear about everything that's going wrong. All one has to do is read/watch the news and you'll find something more out there that's worth complaining about. Living life is hard. There are bills to pay, things constantly demanding time and attention that I'd rather spend elsewhere and places I'd rather not go, but need to for various reasons. To be completely honest, life can suck sometimes.
But it's at these times that I remember the simple joys. The little things that make life worth living. Hearing my daughter play make believe in her room. Listening in to that little bit of innocence as she tells her stuffed bear to be nice to her stuffed sheep. Or holding my son and making him giggle up a storm just from the funny face his daddy is making. Or cuddling with both of them on the couch so that their mama can make dinner without hearing fussing. I love it and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
We're told to focus on the negative. Even if not directly, we're so bombarded by it that it can't help but become a central theme of the day. Plus, we're encouraged to compete in this : "I'm more miserable than you!" "No I've got bigger problems!" But does this get us anywhere? Do we really need to focus so much on the bad? Or can we accept the bad with the good and learn to have joy anyways?
There are so many things to be thankful for every day and yet we lose sight of them. Even when you're at rock bottom, the Creator of the universe still loves you. He still sent His Son to die on a cross so that you might have forgiveness of your sins. You can still have the knowledge that this world is not where we, as Christians, have our citizenship. No matter how bad it gets, you can have hope.
And I will pray for you, dear brothers and sisters in Christ, that He will raise up your eyes to the heavens. That He will enlighten your minds with the knowledge of Himself. Because He is wonderful. Because He is the only thing worth living for. Because He is the I AM. Please pray this for me as well, so that I remember Who is in charge and that I need not worry but rest in Him.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
Staying Close
Last night's class for Winning at Work and at Home out at the prison went quite well. I reflect again how tough it is to be teaching this class in a prison setting though. The topic for last night was "staying close to the woman you love." Most of the guys were upbeat about how they were going to implement what they've been learning when they get out. (One of the guys will be out in a couple months, and another will be out soon after the class is over, so for them it will be sooner. I don't know how long the other guys are in for, so I pray that the Lord will keep this stuff with them for when they do get out.)
The first thing we talked about being an "enemy" of closeness was everyday conflict. Mr. Lewis said sometimes these conflicts can escalate to "culture wars" wherein you are trying to "win" and get your wife to leave her "country" and come join yours. Conflict stems from the differences that you and your spouse have, in your raising, in your outlook on life and in your worldviews. Since it is inevitable that conflict will arise, what we need to do is use it for our betterment. So, Mr. Lewis showed a diagram of how conflicts usually go. Conflicts occurs --> Hurt Feelings --> Anger. At this point there are two options: 1) Flee from the conflict, withdrawing and giving the "silent treatment." This is the natural "flesh" choice but will lead to isolation from your spouse which is the exact opposite of closeness. 2) Face the conflict. If you choose to face it, you're again presented with two options. 1) To fight and accuse, denigrating your spouse in an effort to "win" the argument. Again this is what the natural man would choose but leads to escalation of the conflict rather than working towards a resolution. 2) The second option is to actually dialogue about the conflict. If good dialogue takes place it should lead to understanding, forgiveness and compromise. If an understanding can be reached, then the conflict is resolved and the couple can grow closer together because of it, rather than be driven apart by it. Scripture also encourages us to resolve conflict quickly. Ephesians 4:26 tells us to not let the sun go down on our anger. Not resolving the conflict can lead to bitterness and resentment (discussed below), and so understanding is the goal.
The second enemy of closeness that we discussed is creeping separateness. Separateness can come into a relationship simply by having and pursuing separate interests and not doing things together. He gave the example of the husband being busy with his job, and the wife being busy with her job and the kids - which become "her" kids, and life being so busy that the only time the husband and wife spend any time together is at the kids' events. Then the kids leave. Now you have a man and woman with nothing in common except the rings on their fingers and they have to work out again how to be close. Mr. Lewis suggested a strategy to remain close instead. The first part of the strategy is to find time every week to have meaningful conversation with your spouse. This will prevent surprises during the week, because you've already talked about what's happening. Part two is basically to live life together. Find things you both enjoy doing, and do them together. Go for a walk, work in the yard, watch TV, but do it together. Simply spending time together whenever you get the chance can help in remaining close as a couple. The third part is to do something yearly (or as I told my students, as close to yearly as possible) that will create lifetime memories. Do something a little bit over the top to create those memories and, Mr. Lewis said, it will continually breathe energy back into the relationship.
The third enemy discussed was creeping resentment. He pointed out that the Bible warns men to "...love your wives and do not be embittered (resentful) against them." (Colossians 3:19 NASB parenthesis added by me). Resentment can come from unresolved conflict or the differences that haven't come to conflict yet. Resentment is a cancer that eats away at closeness. To combat resentment, he suggested gauging your "temperature" and making sure that you weren't allowing anything to grow. Another suggestion was to write out the problem in an "I" statement and then sharing it with your spouse in a place where it can be discussed safely. This will allow for the dialogue discussed above and hopefully lead to understanding. He did point out that if resolution can't be reached by the couple, that mutually agreed upon outside help might be necessary.
Now that I've got all this in my head, I pray that it will come out in my actions. I'm know I will fail often and I'm so glad that my wife is patient with me. I hope that some of you reading this will have learned something new, or been reminded of something you already knew, but that you would practice it and stay close with your spouse.
The first thing we talked about being an "enemy" of closeness was everyday conflict. Mr. Lewis said sometimes these conflicts can escalate to "culture wars" wherein you are trying to "win" and get your wife to leave her "country" and come join yours. Conflict stems from the differences that you and your spouse have, in your raising, in your outlook on life and in your worldviews. Since it is inevitable that conflict will arise, what we need to do is use it for our betterment. So, Mr. Lewis showed a diagram of how conflicts usually go. Conflicts occurs --> Hurt Feelings --> Anger. At this point there are two options: 1) Flee from the conflict, withdrawing and giving the "silent treatment." This is the natural "flesh" choice but will lead to isolation from your spouse which is the exact opposite of closeness. 2) Face the conflict. If you choose to face it, you're again presented with two options. 1) To fight and accuse, denigrating your spouse in an effort to "win" the argument. Again this is what the natural man would choose but leads to escalation of the conflict rather than working towards a resolution. 2) The second option is to actually dialogue about the conflict. If good dialogue takes place it should lead to understanding, forgiveness and compromise. If an understanding can be reached, then the conflict is resolved and the couple can grow closer together because of it, rather than be driven apart by it. Scripture also encourages us to resolve conflict quickly. Ephesians 4:26 tells us to not let the sun go down on our anger. Not resolving the conflict can lead to bitterness and resentment (discussed below), and so understanding is the goal.
The second enemy of closeness that we discussed is creeping separateness. Separateness can come into a relationship simply by having and pursuing separate interests and not doing things together. He gave the example of the husband being busy with his job, and the wife being busy with her job and the kids - which become "her" kids, and life being so busy that the only time the husband and wife spend any time together is at the kids' events. Then the kids leave. Now you have a man and woman with nothing in common except the rings on their fingers and they have to work out again how to be close. Mr. Lewis suggested a strategy to remain close instead. The first part of the strategy is to find time every week to have meaningful conversation with your spouse. This will prevent surprises during the week, because you've already talked about what's happening. Part two is basically to live life together. Find things you both enjoy doing, and do them together. Go for a walk, work in the yard, watch TV, but do it together. Simply spending time together whenever you get the chance can help in remaining close as a couple. The third part is to do something yearly (or as I told my students, as close to yearly as possible) that will create lifetime memories. Do something a little bit over the top to create those memories and, Mr. Lewis said, it will continually breathe energy back into the relationship.
The third enemy discussed was creeping resentment. He pointed out that the Bible warns men to "...love your wives and do not be embittered (resentful) against them." (Colossians 3:19 NASB parenthesis added by me). Resentment can come from unresolved conflict or the differences that haven't come to conflict yet. Resentment is a cancer that eats away at closeness. To combat resentment, he suggested gauging your "temperature" and making sure that you weren't allowing anything to grow. Another suggestion was to write out the problem in an "I" statement and then sharing it with your spouse in a place where it can be discussed safely. This will allow for the dialogue discussed above and hopefully lead to understanding. He did point out that if resolution can't be reached by the couple, that mutually agreed upon outside help might be necessary.
Now that I've got all this in my head, I pray that it will come out in my actions. I'm know I will fail often and I'm so glad that my wife is patient with me. I hope that some of you reading this will have learned something new, or been reminded of something you already knew, but that you would practice it and stay close with your spouse.
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