Staying Close

Last night's class for Winning at Work and at Home out at the prison went quite well. I reflect again how tough it is to be teaching this class in a prison setting though. The topic for last night was "staying close to the woman you love." Most of the guys were upbeat about how they were going to implement what they've been learning when they get out. (One of the guys will be out in a couple months, and another will be out soon after the class is over, so for them it will be sooner. I don't know how long the other guys are in for, so I pray that the Lord will keep this stuff with them for when they do get out.)

The first thing we talked about being an "enemy" of closeness was everyday conflict. Mr. Lewis said sometimes these conflicts can escalate to "culture wars" wherein you are trying to "win" and get your wife to leave her "country" and come join yours. Conflict stems from the differences that you and your spouse have, in your raising, in your outlook on life and in your worldviews. Since it is inevitable that conflict will arise, what we need to do is use it for our betterment. So, Mr. Lewis showed a diagram of how conflicts usually go. Conflicts occurs --> Hurt Feelings --> Anger. At this point there are two options: 1) Flee from the conflict, withdrawing and giving the "silent treatment." This is the natural "flesh" choice but will lead to isolation from your spouse which is the exact opposite of closeness. 2) Face the conflict. If you choose to face it, you're again presented with two options. 1) To fight and accuse, denigrating your spouse in an effort to "win" the argument. Again this is what the natural man would choose but leads to escalation of the conflict rather than working towards a resolution. 2) The second option is to actually dialogue about the conflict. If good dialogue takes place it should lead to understanding, forgiveness and compromise. If an understanding can be reached, then the conflict is resolved and the couple can grow closer together because of it, rather than be driven apart by it. Scripture also encourages us to resolve conflict quickly. Ephesians 4:26 tells us to not let the sun go down on our anger. Not resolving the conflict can lead to bitterness and resentment (discussed below), and so understanding is the goal.

The second enemy of closeness that we discussed is creeping separateness. Separateness can come into a relationship simply by having and pursuing separate interests and not doing things together. He gave the example of the husband being busy with his job, and the wife being busy with her job and the kids - which become "her" kids, and life being so busy that the only time the husband and wife spend any time together is at the kids' events. Then the kids leave. Now you have a man and woman with nothing in common except the rings on their fingers and they have to work out again how to be close. Mr. Lewis suggested a strategy to remain close instead. The first part of the strategy is to find time every week to have meaningful conversation with your spouse. This will prevent surprises during the week, because you've already talked about what's happening. Part two is basically to live life together. Find things you both enjoy doing, and do them together. Go for a walk, work in the yard, watch TV, but do it together. Simply spending time together whenever you get the chance can help in remaining close as a couple. The third part is to do something yearly (or as I told my students, as close to yearly as possible) that will create lifetime memories. Do something a little bit over the top to create those memories and, Mr. Lewis said, it will continually breathe energy back into the relationship.

The third enemy discussed was creeping resentment. He pointed out that the Bible warns men to "...love your wives and do not be embittered (resentful) against them." (Colossians 3:19 NASB parenthesis added by me). Resentment can come from unresolved conflict or the differences that haven't come to conflict yet. Resentment is a cancer that eats away at closeness. To combat resentment, he suggested gauging your "temperature" and making sure that you weren't allowing anything to grow. Another suggestion was to write out the problem in an "I" statement and then sharing it with your spouse in a place where it can be discussed safely. This will allow for the dialogue discussed above and hopefully lead to understanding. He did point out that if resolution can't be reached by the couple, that mutually agreed upon outside help might be necessary.

Now that I've got all this in my head, I pray that it will come out in my actions. I'm know I will fail often and I'm so glad that my wife is patient with me. I hope that some of you reading this will have learned something new, or been reminded of something you already knew, but that you would practice it and stay close with your spouse.