Horatio Spafford wrote the song "It is well with my soul." It's a familiar hymn to many, but what amazes me is that he wrote it after losing all four of his daughters when their ship struck another while they were crossing the Atlantic with their mother ahead of their father. He had planned to be with them, but had business he needed to conclude first and had sent them on ahead. While making his own crossing to go to his wife he wrote:
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul
Chorus:
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come
Let this blest assurance control
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate
And hath shed His own blood for my soul
My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin, not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord oh my soul
And Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul
I've often found that music can speak for me when I find myself at a loss for words. My heart has been broken twice this year. The first child we lost this year we named Samuel. We had prayed desperately for a child through Michelle's ovarian cysts and were so glad when that positive test came. Samuel means "God has heard" and we praised Him for this new life growing in Michelle. Then the blood tests kept showing that her HCG numbers weren't rising as they should be and she started having pains and bleeding. We knew he was gone. Hannah dedicated her son Samuel back to the Lord's service and left him at the temple. It turned out we had to give our Samuel to the Lord as well. Our hearts were crushed.
We prayed and felt that the Lord was giving us the go ahead to try for another baby. Several weeks after Michelle's surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy brought another positive pregnancy test and again our hearts rejoiced. Everything seemed to be going right this time. The baby was in the womb and numbers were rising as expected. We went in for the routine 9 week sonogram and the tech said the baby was measuring smaller than should be for how far along Michelle was, but it could be that our dates were just off. She was also unable to find a heartbeat but we tried to remain positive. A week later we had a follow-up sonogram and our fears were fully realized. This baby had stopped growing and still had no heartbeat. We were broken again.
We had scheduled a trip to Montana to go to a friend's wedding and we debated whether or not we were still going to be able to make it. We hemmed and hawed while Michelle's doctor scheduled her D&C for the Tuesday before we were supposed to leave on Wednesday to get to the wedding in Montana on Saturday. Then our van's alternator went out and the mechanic told me that Snyder isn't a big Honda town and there probably wouldn't be any parts. He called me back later Tuesday, after Michelle and I had gotten back from her D&C and said he had found one alternator in town and would have our van fixed that afternoon and we would be good to go on our trip.
So we went on our trip with Michelle under doctor's orders to get up and move around every few hours since she'd just had surgery. Travelling with toddlers means this wasn't going to be an issue as someone would have to go potty or something that often anyways. We made it to Montana and got to see Taryn and Corey get married, We made new friends with the Daley's who willingly opened up their home for us to stay while we were in Montana. We got to drive a bit farther west and visit my grandparents in the Tri-Cities Washington.
While we were at my grandparents house, we decided to name this second baby Rena. Rena is a loose Anglicization of the Greek word ειρήνη which means "peace." God had given Michelle and I peace that passes understanding (Phillipians 4:7). I don't know why God allowed this trial in our lives. I don't know why we lost these babies. But I know Him. This JJ Heller song, especially the chorus and bridge, reflects exactly how I am feeling these days:
We have been greatly blessed by the love shown us by the body of Christ. We don't know the why's but we know God is good and He is in control. We live by His grace.
